


In My Dreams There is You

by Hyungwons



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Psychological, completely inspired by hyungwon's oath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 07:56:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8196755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyungwons/pseuds/Hyungwons
Summary: Every night he dreams of him and their times together. Every night he wakes to him by his bed, smiling at him and listening to his troubles. And every night he forgets a little more.





	

_A quiet dripping sound rings through, breaking the silence and slicing through his thoughts and concentration._ Hyungwon sits there, his bag beside him on the bench as he stares off into the distance. His eyes are searching for something, someone, but at the same time they’re blank. Staring at nothing but at everything and everyone who passes him by, ignoring him sitting there. It’s like no one sees him, like he’s not really there but he certainly feels like he’s there; waiting once again in this all too familiar situation with his nose tucked behind his scarf and his hands buried in the pockets of his coat that’s about two sizes too big for him (surprisingly). He certainly feels the cold wind against his cheeks, turning them and his ears red and even sometimes stinging his eyes.

_Another drip._

He can certainly feel as the air fills his lungs, how his blood rushes a little faster against the cold. And he can most definitely hear as the footsteps echo in his head, beating in his ears rhythmically and each one getting louder, nearing him

They go in time with each other: the dripping, the footsteps, the beating of his heart, and his shaky breaths behind the black scarf. It’s unnerving. Constant pounding in his ears, each sound getting louder and faster, more aggressive; it’s like it’s all threatening him. Telling him to run. To run as far as he can until there is nothing behind him, just a void. A blank, dark, empty void.

_The dripping, now just so rhythmatic and he swears he feels it on his skin._

And then it all comes to a stop.

He looks around, hearing a voice call out to him from a distance, a mere whisper in the wind telling him to look and bringing him back to reality. This bone-chilling cold reality. It doesn’t take long for his gaze to fall upon a certain man, his blond hair glowing under the dim streetlamps making it appear completely white. His smile is brighter than anything Hyungwon’s ever seen and suddenly just looking at him and how he waves his hand high, making sure Hyungwon sees him, nothing seems so dark anymore.

He stands from the bench to walk over to him just as the man, Hoseok, runs up to him. Hoseok’s panting is heavy as he shivers under his layers of sweaters and coats. The sight is actually precious Hyungwon thinks. The bright hue of red on the boy’s cheeks and nose just make it even more sweeter as well, especially how he smiles against his exhaustion and the harsh cold.

Hyungwon reaches over, pulling up the collars of Hoseok’s two coats just enough to at least cover his mouth. “You’ll catch a cold like this. You should’ve worn more.”

“I can barely move as is.” Hyungwon watches with furrowed brows at how Hoseok rubs his hands together, letting out a few shaky sighs as he tries to warm himself up more.

“What took you so long, anyway? I’ve been waiting for about half an hour already.”

“Stupid train arrived in late. And also,” Hoseok reaches into his coat pocket, pulling something out and handing it to Hyungwon, “I stopped in a gift shop on the way and thought you might like this.” A chuckle fell from Hyungwon’s lips as he took the gift from his lover as he took the snow globe.

Quirking a brow, Hyungwon lazily shakes it and watches as the flakes inside slowly fall back down over the miniature scene of a forest in the winter. Like a little winter wonderland for him, as cliché as he figures that sounds.

“Is this just to make me forget the fact you left me waiting in the cold?” 

“Doesn’t work?”

Hyungwon shakes his head, slowly mouthing a simple ‘no’ in reply. “It’s cute, though.”

“Early birthday present,” Hoseok comments back, folding his arms over his chest to keep himself warm.

“You’re a month early, y’know. This should be a Christmas present instead.”

“Yeah, but this way if I forget your birthday—”

“—Again,” Hyungwon cuts in, receiving a dark glare from his boyfriend.

“ _If_ I forget your birthday _again_ I’m safe.”

Hyungwon lets out a short laugh, shaking his head and sighing, his breath visible against the chilling wind. “I don’t think that’s how it works, Hoseok.” He rolls the sphere over in his hand with a gentle smile. “Thank you though, I love it.” He watches as the brightest smile he had ever seen graces over Hoseok’s lips before arms are thrown over his neck.

It’s warm, Hoseok’s chin resting on his shoulder, his quiet, steady breathing against his ear, his fingers grasping at Hyungwon’s coat. It soft and inviting. But then the dripping starts up again and Hoseok lets him go, still smiling so widely up at him. Before he ends up somehow dropping the glass snow globe and shattering it (and Hoseok’s trust), Hyungwon reaches over to put it away in his bag. However, there’s just one problem: he left his bag on the bench. With a sound of disgust as he just wants to hurry and get to restaurant so he can warm up, he looks back at Hoseok. “You go on ahead, I’ll catch up.”

“Don’t hurry,” Hoseok adds in as a joke. As Hyungwon races back in the other direction, Hoseok turns on his heels, arms still neatly folded over his chest, and walks in the opposite way. Hyungwon races back to the bench, quickly grabbing his bag and slipping the snow globe inside before making sure that everything is still in there as it was (which it is, thankfully). Throwing the bag over his shoulder, he turns back to catch up with Hoseok.

But he freezes, the dripping echoing all around him.

His body freezes in place, his legs shaking and his grip weak. He just watches as Hoseok walks away, his blond hair glowing under the lights once again and Hyungwon tries to call out to him, fear washing over him when he still can’t move. Every drop of water that is echoing and bouncing off the invisible walls that are caging him in are like drums in his head, pounding louder and louder with each rhythmic beat. All other sounds fade into a loud ring in the back of his mind, buzzing against the drips and a sound like a flickering light bulb about to burn out.

Then there is a voice. A sweet and gentle but distant voice that is calling out to him, pulling him back and a for a moment, no longer than a second, a blinding white light covers his vision. And then he’s back. Not at the bench and not waiting for Hoseok, but at home on his comfortable bed, curled under his thick blankets, and an angelic face to greet him the second he peeks open his eyes.

“‘Morning, honey,” Hoseok says with a smile down at him. “Finally awake?”

“What time is it?” Hyungwon rubs the sleep from his eyes, sitting upright in the bed just as Hoseok takes a seat on it beside him.

“Around eleven already.”

“That’s it?” Hyungwon says in a wide yawn, his voice still groggy.

“What do you mean ‘that’s it’?” He lands a playful punch to Hyungwon’s shoulder, a chuckle to follow, but doesn’t miss how Hyungwon frowns at it (but only for a second). “Something wrong?” Hyungwon gives a small pout in response, stitching his brows together as he just sits there, staring off into the distance. With a sigh, Hoseok tilts his head in worry, his eyes looking into Hyungwon’s and searching for something. Anything. “Bad dream?” his voice low, almost so low that Hyungwon needs to take a moment to second guess if he even heard right.

“I don’t know... I just had this a weird dream.”

“What happened in it?”

“I… I think I was waiting for you at a bench ‘cause you were late but then you said you bought me a snow globe?” he retells, trying his very best to remember the dream that is already slipping from his mind. “There wasn’t anything else to it, but it feels so...strange.

Hoseok’s frown drops and the worry in his eyes fades immediately, everything being replaced with a smile. “That reminds me of last year’s holidays! We met up outside a gift shop and bought snow globes for Christmas as our only presents — money’s always tight, y’know,” he adds with an uncaring shrug.

“Really? I don’t think I remember that.”

“It was only December last year and it was our first time celebrating the holidays together! You’re just getting old.” Hoseok earns himself a slap on the shoulder and a deadly gaze from the still sleepy Hyungwon.

“You’re older, jerk.”

With a proud hand on his chest and his head held high, Hoseok adds, “I’m in better shape than you though, my body and mind are still healthy and young.” Hyungwon rolls his eyes, deciding to ignore his comment (maybe because part of it is at least true). “Now, come on. Changkyun and Minhyuk are gonna eat breakfast without us!”

“They’re here already?” Hyungwon whines, suddenly feeling even less motivated to get out of bed when he could just sleep in a few more hours.

“They’re always here, what are you talking about?” He grabs Hyungwon’s wrist, his grip tight as he forces him up from the bed. “They got a few games for us to play later as well.”

That night, as Hyungwon drifted off to sleep, he had that dream again: him and and Hoseok meeting up under the later December night, snow falling down peacefully onto them. But the dream’s a bit different this time, like Hoseok had said.

Hyungwon stands there, sighing and rubbing his hands together, looking in both directions at the crowds of people that walked past, mountains of bags in their hands from the Christmas shopping. Checking his watch one more time, he figures it might be best to wait inside the store before he freezes to death, but just then he feels a tap on his shoulder and he bolts up in surprise, meeting with Hoseok’s wide smile and his beautiful brown hair that looks almost red under the old streetlamps.

Wait, is it brown?

“You’re late,” Hyungwon bites back with a smile.

“Yeah, yeah. I know.” The shorter man gives a wave of his hand to drop that small detail before extending it towards Hyungwon. “You’ll catch a cold like this. You should’ve worn more.” Hyungwon just stares at the scarf in his boyfriend’s hand, the black scarf that Hoseok wears so often. When he makes no effort to accept the gift from him, Hoseok lets out a small sigh before smiling, reaching over to wrap the scarf around Hyungwon’s neck himself, covering his mouth and red nose with it. “Come on, we should get inside before we freeze.”

Hoseok smiles brightly at him, his smile always warming him up instantly, to be quite honest. And Hyungwon smiles back, following him into the gift shop. It’s just as crowded as they had figured, lines of people at the register trying to get some late Christmas shopping done and just get home already. Hyungwon feels the same way, though not entirely. He has Hoseok with him, making all the tiresome moments like these more enjoyable. Yeah, he wishes to just get home already and sleep early, the winter cold always making him even more sleepy than he usually is. But he’s glad to be spending all this extra time with Hoseok..

“Ooh, I know!” Hoseok’s voice suddenly rings through and before Hyungwon knows it, the boy’s fingers are slotting perfectly with his and he’s dragged off by him. Without tearing their hands apart, Hoseok grabs one of the items on the shelf lined with snow globes of all sizes and scenery. “Isn’t this one cute?” He holds it up, giving two short shakes to activate the snow falling over the miniature forest inside.

“There’s another.” Hyungwon reaches near the top shelf, grabbing another snow globe just like the one in Hoseok’s hand. “Two?”

With an excited nod and smile, they both walk off to find some other gifts as well with the snow globes in hand and their fingers still perfectly locked together. Somewhere along the way they decide it’s probably best not to leave out their friend Jooheon as well and find two or three inexpensive winter hats to buy for him (and some cheap Christmas card with dogs on it that Hoseok just can’t let go). At one point they even separated, deciding the last gifts they get should be a surprise. But the surprise is ruined when they both find each other in the area lined with racks of vases of fake flowers.

“I can’t stand the crowd in here. I’m gonna head out and see if I can get us a ride for the way home,” Hoseok comments, making a face at the crowds of impatient people. 

Hyungwon gives his hand a gentle squeeze before he can let go, _not wanting to let go_. But Hoseok gives him a smile, his signature sweet and beautiful smile that Hyungwon can never get enough of. “Don’t hurry.” Hyungwon takes the other items from Hoseok, their fingers finally slipping away from each other as Hyungwon struggles to hold everything on his own. And Hoseok walks off, giving a wave of his hand as he hurries out of the store and back into the chilling cold.

Hyungwon stands there alone, waiting in line so he can pay for everything and hurry home, hurry back to Hoseok so they can spend the holidays together for the first time. They will marathon all their favourite movies together, cuddled up on the couch with a single blanket to keep them both warm. And he can’t wait. So why is it that he can’t move? Why does everything around him seem to have frozen, even the people? Everyone’s holding their breaths, even him, waiting for something to happen, for _anything_ to happen.

Then his vision fades into black. And before he knows it, his eyes flutter open to show him the ceiling of his bedroom once again. He thinks so at least. But only a mere second later the vision of his bedroom fades and he’s suddenly surrounded by an empty black void. 

Nothing.

He finds it near impossible to move his arms much, struggling against whatever force holds him down to the small white bed. He wonders for a moment if it’s sleep paralysis but he manages to lift his head. Almost immediately he notices something, someone at the foot of the bed, leaning against it with their eyes closed. He can make out their black hair even against the darkness of his room and it takes no more than a second for him to recognise the sleeping figure as Hoseok.

He feels lost and disorientated, almost like he’s detached from something. He’s there, but he doesn’t feel like he’s _entirely therethere_. He doesn’t feel alive.

“I’ve been waiting for so long for you to wake up,” Hoseok’s voice calls again, right into his ear. And Hyungwon can picture a figure sitting next to him, sitting on the edge of the bed, and he can feel fingers running through his hair, petting gently at his head and a quiet voice whispering sweet nothings into his ear, telling him everything is okay. But he can hear small little cries and he isn’t sure if they are his or Hoseok’s — wherever Hoseok may be.

“It’s good to see you again.” But Hyungwon can’t see him. Every night he dreams of him, of Hoseok, of their memories. Every night he forgets them and Hoseok, his love, a little more. Every night he breaks himself to remember. And every night he hides the pills under his tongue that are meant to help him sleep, because he knows that the cool metal pressing against his skin was so much easier than this. The drops on the pristine tiles, the shattered glass, the screams, the fingers tangling in his hair; it was all so much easier. That release didn’t take his memories him, it didn’t keep him from destroying himself simply to remember. Because at this point, in this world and reality, all he has is his memories and he’ll get them back.

But he never quite does, now does he? But does he really, truly want to remember? Because he still isn’t sure what’s easier and more bearable: to feel everything and how it all breaks him, or to feel nothing at all?

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this is entirely inspired by Hyungwon's oath. And yes it's still Hyungwonho anyway cause I'm trash  
> Don't ask what the hell this is though. I thought it was best to write it as slightly disconnected and messy as possible  
> 


End file.
